Thursday, November 7, 2013


Right now, I have had to put my life on hold.  The reason, my oldest brother in law is dying of cancer.  A new form of the stuff that is so bad that MD Anderson here in Houston has pretty much told his family and 4 other families to come and get their people so they can die at home.  It is aggressive, it is new and there is no treatment for it.  They have no idea as to what it is.  It didn't respond to chemo or radiation.  It is horrible. 

My BIL was diagnosed with this 6 weeks ago and he is in hospice.  My sister, Melinda and I have been going to sit vigil with my oldest sister.  We have been praying that God will take him already.  He is wasting away in that bed. 

I do have to say that the staff and the residents of Parkview Manor in Weimar, Texas are the best.  My mom was in the secure section of Parkview Manor when she had Alzheimer's.  I can't say enough good things about that place.  They are truly wonderful.  The residents are very supportive of one another.  Every time I walk through on my way to see my BIL, I tell them all hello and they are so happy that someone speaks to them.  Just the little things in life make someone's day better. 

I have been working on another blanket.  It was supposed to be a wedding present but, I am not giving it as a wedding present because I was not invited to the wedding.  I have been so upset about this because it is my best friend's wedding.  She was in my wedding and I guess I am not important enough in her life to be invited to hers.  At this point, I do not even want to go to her wedding. I don't want to share that joy with her at all.  I am happy that she is getting married, I just am over all the pettiness of it. 

I haven't even heard from her about my family member and I am starting to realize that maybe she and I are on two different wave lengths.  I am dealing with a soon to be death and she is all happy about her new life.  We are going in opposite directions right now.  I wish her well.  I just don't have time to tell her how I feel. 

Today I have plans to stay home and deal with all that I have had to put on hold.  I have to get my meds refilled.  I realized I haven't had my asthma meds in a couple of days.  I have to go grocery shopping today since I know that tomorrow might be a funeral or the day after, we have no idea what is holding him here. 

Yesterday, I got a phone call that scared the living crap out of me, Melinda called me telling me to get dressed and get to her house, we had to go because the hospice called Betty, my oldest sister to tell her that the time was near.  So, I had to feed my dogs, get them outside, throw my lunch, snacks, and water together, grab the blanket in the bag and head out the door.  I was in a state of chaos.  I have been living that chaos for three days this week. 

We finally make it to Weimar, I get out of the car and my niece informs me that I have gray hair.  Oh thank you so much for noticing that.  I have noticed that I have more gray hair this week than I had last week.  We sat with him all day with his daughters, my nieces, and my sister, Jena, my brother, Gary and my BIL, Jack.  We watched his features go from a struggle to peaceful almost like his time was near.  I have watched his color go from yellow to orange to parchment to pale parchment.  I have to say that this is worse than watching my Daddy suffer from and die from cancer.  This one is so quick, it doesn't even give you time to deal with this loss.  It is going to be so weird not seeing him at family functions with his huge smile or a joke.  He always told me he wanted one of his tangerines from his tree but, the sad thing is, his tree finally produced fruit and he won't have one of the fruits.  His tree had frozen and it came back.  This would have been the first crop from it for him. 

My sister is in poor health and we are so scared that this will do her in.  We are there for her and for her daughters.  I keep telling her to call if she needs help with anything.  She is going to need a lot of help and if I have to go and do manual labor not a problem, I grew up with parents who believed in teaching their children how to work.  If I am sore for a couple of days, so be it. 

Tuesday on my way to Weimar, I drove and we had to stop in Columbus to get new wiper blades for my car.  I am thankful for the man at the Auto Zone, he put them on for me.  They are wonderful.  I kept telling Gary I needed new ones and he pretty much brushed it off.  I guess he thought I would go buy them and he would install them but, with all that is going on, I haven't had the time to even get to the auto parts store. 

It came down to not being able to see so, I stopped in Columbus and bought them.  Now to get the a/c fixed in the car.  It went out and I have been hoping and praying that it isn't the blower motor, I think it is so, that means more money out the door. I need that thing fixed so, I can use my defrost on the car.  That was a fun trip home, we had to have the windows down while it was raining.  It was awful but, I have been through worse. 

I finally finished the red, white, and blue afghan.  It is very nice.  The current one is a silver, lavender, granite so far.  More purples and grays or blacks will be added as I go on.  I will try to take a picture of it when I get it far enough along.  It has been my salvation right now as I work on it in hospice.  It is saving me from breaking down crying.  I work on it and my family watches me asking me questions on how can I sit there and work on it.  It is easy, it is my saving grace right now.  So, when my friend gets it,  I hope she realizes how many tears there are in it.  How many prayers there are in each stitch.  I hope she appreciates all the heartache that is in this one.  She probably won't care.  It is helping me cope with not being invited to her special day and for the loss of my family member. 

As a knitter and a crocheter, I realize how much love goes into each and every project.  I have been handed items from other knitters and crocheters as gifts and I know that each and every project is a reflection of their soul.  That bit of string and that hook or needles has helped that person cope.  Sometimes that stitch or row has worked out the most difficult problems we have.  I would be lost if I couldn't knit or crochet. 

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